Maybe That’s Why

I’m not one to be at a loss for words, but for nearly a year now, I’ve been struggling to speak. Struggling to find the right combination of words to begin to express all that is swirling.

My mother is incredible. Maybe that’s why it’s been so hard to put this all into words. How do you capture the soul of someone who is so vast? Someone who, for all my life, has been limitless.

In the stories she tells, she always paints herself the gentle, humble worker. But to me, she’s the hero.

Heros shouldn’t die. Maybe that’s why I’ve been silent. How do you claim a diagnosis that you don’t understand? Words like rare, and, early onset, and clinical trial are not easy to say. And it’s a whole other thing to watch as these words trickle into your reality. And try as we might, git our teeth, dig in our heels, here we are. This is our reality. Who knew two acronyms could change your life?

Why? is such an incredibly hard question to answer. Right after Mama’s diagnosis, I desperately sought a reason and felt deflated because there was none to be found. Am I a horrible person for questioning? Do I lack faith because I’m afraid? Is it weak to wonder why?

For a year, I’ve been praying for things that feel too unreal to pray for. But I am praying, and fighting, and clinging to all the goodness left as I continue to ask why.

I will never get an answer, not a full one at least. But I’ve seen glorious glimmers of hope. Closing doors, ending relationships, pieces of the puzzle coming together. People pouring love, students reaching out, kind, simple words. Maybe Why doesn’t matter so much as how and God has shown me that He will work things out.

I won’t get my answer. Why my best friend, my biggest supporter, my fearless champion, is battling dementia. But my God is good and He’s been teaching me that why is better left alone. That faith can be found in the wandering. That plans are overrated. And that love shows up when you need it the most.

Maybe that’s why.

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2 thoughts on “Maybe That’s Why

  1. love this.. The why is never a question we will understand but getting to the peace and faith that God is still there and doing good and being exactly what you need when you didn’t even realize you would need it is an amazing thing to experience. Your mom is an amazing woman and is very blessed to have you three girls right along side her during this time. She has raised you girls well and thats all a mom wants and prays for is her girls to grow up kind, loving and most importantly learn to have the faith that moves mountains. And it seems you are learning that from her and from God. Praying for you all and always here for you guys. This is Heather Leeper. Sorry this isn’t written the best (I am not good with words sadly). I always love reading what you write. thanks for sharing your thoughts they always make me thing a little more deeply about things. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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